9 months later. 9 months later and I can actually fly home smiling. I want this to be a permanent smile. Every day, smiling. Sure, few off days. But mostly. Most. Most beautiful smile. Does he have a part to play in this? Eyes of a blue grey like certain parts of the ocean. Soul as crystal clear as the Croatian waters. As he jumps, every time he jumps, I wish to be there too. However, my heart is pumping in my neck and I wait for him to return thinking ‘what a fucking angel.’ I want to cry, cry with happiness, floating in a state of ecstasy. But why? Should there be a reason? Or is it just my coffee kick? I guess just meeting someone like this has given me hope. Not the kind of hope that I will ever meet the ‘one’, or the ‘two’. That’s not what I'm looking for. Hope in people. But more so than that, hope in myself. Hope that there is still much more room to become a greater person. He said that when someone asks you for help, literally, comes to you and ask you personally for help, that is what life is all about. Helping people. And we must always try the best we can to help that person, in any way and every way imaginable. The world awaits your response. This guy, he jumps off cliffs too high to imagine. A smaller cliff I threw myself off and my stomach tried to escape my throat. My legs shook from my hips, legs slamming down the 1-second concrete surface, plunging into dark blue. But for him, he wanted higher. You can see him looking down, studying the ocean beneath him. I feel nervous for him, not nervous, sick. But excited. Just remembering how my eyes blurred as I was falling. However, as he clicks onto the commitment, he lunges forward. Not all angels should have wings; he chose not to have his so he could be amongst us all. So he fell. Around 30 minutes later, I see him carrying a flattened can in his hand as we walk to have an adrenaline-chilling lunch.
“Where did you get that from? “
“I found it on the ground. Just clearing up man, just giving something back to say thank you for my life” he replied while clearly reflecting on his jump.
This is what life is all about for me. Not about finding ways to make money, to decorate my house, to find ways to feel more grounded. Life is all about meeting these people that push you, right from the heart. My heart feels like it needs to explode. It’s just oozing with just how much I loved the soul of this person. And I can’t believe it has only been two days.. I mean, he truly is a walking example of the pages I have read so far in my highly important Buddhist book, Transform Your Life. This guy actually jumped off cliffs just to go say hello to people in a boat. There was no one that passed his path who he didn’t say hello with and talk with. The way he lay on top of me, and tell me how fucking cool he thought I was, and the way he actually made me feel like he genuinely liked the person I had become. The person I have moulded myself to be. He cherished that. He wasn’t like the last heartless one who wouldn’t even touch fingertips with me in public. He planted kisses on my head whenever it was near his gorgeously full lips. Split in the middle, hoping kisses would heal it. I feel like I made an impression on him also, I believe not only did I make him laugh, but smile.
“Oh what's that on your arm?” I ask in a real question like format. I take luscious, thick, sand-brown arm in my hand and bring it up to my lips, and plant a soft but full kiss on his arm. “Oh.. It’s just me”.
It made him laugh and he put his arm around me, and while smiling he said ‘thank you, that was really, sweet and cute,” he says while laughing still.
Simple things like this I feel will stick with him, and I sure hope it does. I am not a hot super model, and I'm hella-full of insecurities, but I believe I have a good, deep heart. A heart, which may be blackened in some places, I feel maybe in some ways I can be selfish. However, I hope he saw my good side.
I just wish to feel this way forever. It frightens me to think that I can be so ungrateful, with everything that I have lived through in the past few years, leading an exciting life, leading children, leading a crowd, leading the way... how after everything can I reach such a place of sadness?